Hetalians with Hats
by kimazuikame
Summary: China comes to see a dead human and an evasive Russia. Based off of FilmCow's "Llamas with Hats."
1. Chapter 1

**A/N**

**This is based entirely on secretagentbob/filmcow's Llamas with hats. The dialogue is copied from Llamas with Hats, altered slightly in the form of names and adding small bits of speech ("aru" and "da") I take no credit for the dialogue, only the concept of adding much-loved Hetalia characters to the premise. I plan to continue with all 4 "Llamas with Hats" with the same characters if no problems arise, and maybe other video series' as well.**

**Also, a ****_douli _****is the common conical Asian hat, and an ****_ushanka _****is the ear-flap hat common in Russia.**

**Enjoy, and hopefully giggle much~**

**Hetalians with Hats**

"Ivan, there is a dead human in our house!" A man wearing a bamboo doûli exclaimed in shock.

Russia and China were standing together in their living room, some poor man lifeless laying between them. While China had a look of disturbed surprise, Russia stared back with his usual deadpan expression, a black ushanka on his head.

"Oh, hey, how did he get here, da?" Russia replied with poorly feigned surprise.

"Ivaaaann, what did you do, aru?" China asked with a whine.

"Me? Da, I didn't do this." Ivan denied sounding offended.

"Explain what happened, aru!" China demanded.

"I've never seen him before in my life." Russia stated flatly.

"Why did you kill this person, Ivan?!" China wasn't buying it.

"I do not kill people. That is, that is my least favorite thing to do, da."

"Tell me, Ivan, exactly what you were doing before I got home."

" Well I was upstairs..." Russia began.

"Aru."

"I was sitting in my room..."

"Aru."

"Reading a book..."

"Go on..."

"And, well this guy walked in, da."

"Aru."

"So I went up to him."

"Aru..."

"And I, da, I stabbed him 37 times in the chest."

There was a short pause as China took this in.

"Ivaaaaannnn, that kills people!" He scolded.

"Da, well, I didn't know that."

"Ivaaannn, how could you not know that?" China asked irritably.

"I, da, I'm in the wrong here."

"Ivaaaannnnn!"

"I suck." Russia was still straight-faced, and he pretended to be both innocent and remorseful. Another pause lapsed as China stared exasperated at the cadaver.

"What happened to his hands, aru?" China suddenly inquired.

"What?" Russia asked, still keeping up his act.

"His hands, Ivan. Why are they missing?"

"Da, well I kind of cooked them up. And ate them." Russia stated as though it was perfectly normal.

"IIIvaaaaaannn." China sighed.

"Well, da, I was hungry. And you know, when you crave hands that's"...

"IIvaaann! Why would you do that!"

"I was hungry for hands," Russia pouted, "Gimme a break."

"IIIIIVVVVAAAAAAAAAANNN." China drew out his companion's name even longer than before.

Suddenly Russia went dead serious, his trademark purple aura surrounding him. "My tummy was making the rumblies," he began,

"IIvvaaann..."

"That only hands could satisfy." Russia finished without the aura so much as tapering off.

"What is wrong with you Ivan, aru?!"

"...Well I kill people and eat hands, that's two things." The large nation took the question very literally.

The End!


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N The story continues :D**

**Again, the plot is not mine, neither are Ivan and Yao. Obviously since this is on a fan fiction site xD**

Hetalians with Hats

China and Russia stood together on a large yellow raft in the middle of the ocean, a cruise ship going up in flames behind them. China was glaring daggers at his friend, though it was hard to take either seriously with their funny looking hats.

"Aiyah! Ivan, what on Earth was all that, aru!?" China asked with irritation.

"..." Russia stared back for a moment. "I'm not sure what you're referring to, da."

"You sunk an entire cruise ship, Ivan!" His eye twitched slightly at the exasperating Soviet in front of him.

"Are you sure that was me, da? I think I would remember something like that." Russia cocked his head to the side.

"Ivan, I watched you fire a harpoon into the captain's face!"

"That sounds dangerous, da." Innocence was still plastered on his face.

"You were headbutting children off the side of the ship!" Concern was leaking into China's voice now.

"Da, that must have been horrifying to watch."

"And then you started making out with the ice sculpture, aru."

"Thank God the children weren't on board to see it, da."

China suddenly looked down and saw something that rather concerned him.

"...Ivan why is the lifeboat all red and sticky?"

Russia looked down as well.

"I guess you could say it is red and sticky, da."

"Ivan... what are we standing in, aru..." an apprehensive China asked.

"Would you believe it's strawberry milkshake, da?" Russia replied.

"No, I would not believe that!" China said angrily.

"Melted gumdrops?"

"No."

"Boat... Nectar?"

"No."

"Some of God's tears, da?"

"Tell me the truth, Ivan!"

"Fine." Russia sighed, "It's the lovely French and English couple from 2B"

"IIIvvvaaaaann." China chided.

"Well, they were taking all the crescent rolls, da." Russia explained.

"I can't believe what I'm hearing, aru!" China touched a hand to his forehead, starting to panic.

"I will not apologize for ART." Russia said through narrowed eyes.

"Where are the other lifeboats, aru?" China asked, noticing a distinct emptiness around them.

"Whoa, da, you won the prize! I didn't even notice that." Russia averted.

"Where are the other lifeboats, Ivan?"

"Well, looking at the trajectory of the moon and the sun," Russia looked at the sky, trying to determine something. Suddenly he abandoned his sky watching to look China straight in the eyes. "Probably at the bottom of the ocean, da. I put lots of holes in them."

"IIIvvvaaaaann."

"I have a serious problem." Russia shrugged.

"You are just, aru, terrible today!"

"Shhhh... do you hear that?" Russia asked with a hand on China's shoulder, "That's the sound of forgiveness."

"That's the sound of people drowning Ivan!"

"That is what forgiveness sounds like." Russia said smiling. "Screaming and then silence."

The End!


	3. Chapter 3

Hetalians with Hats 3

"Ivaaaannn, we're supposed to be on vacation, aru!", China complained with collapsed and flaming cement buildings serving as the backdrop.

"I don't know about you, but I am having a wonderful time, da."

"You toppled a South American government Ivan!" China reprimanded.

"The people have spoken. VIVA LA RESISTANCE." Ivan replied with conviction. _Besides, Venezuela had it coming, he shouldn't have told me to take off my scarf just because it's 90 degrees ou_t. He thought silently.

"You pushed the resistance leader into a giant fan!" China rebuked.

"He was a traitor and a SCOUNDREL, da."

"He was trying to keep you from pushing other people _into the giant fan_."

Suddenly a large protuberance came out of Russia's stomach. "Da, that was a foot. I seemed to have swallowed an entire person." His tone was mildly surprised.

"That would be the hotel bartender, aru." China sighed.

"That would explain why my vodka is taking so long."

"It was horrifying. Your mouth unhinged like a snake." China continued with a wince.

"Wow, that sounds AWESOME." Russia said, his eyebrows widening in excitement.

At the sound of his title, Prussia appeared with awesome magic, but teleported away before being noticed because Russia plus burning city equals totally un-awesome.

"I can't go anywhere with you, Ivan." China whined.

"That hurt my feelings, da. Now we're both in the wrong."

"I want to go home, aru. We're leaving." The douji-clad man said with a commanding finality.

"In that case, I should probably mention I filled our luggage with orphan meat."

"WHAT?" China asked, completely thrown off once again.

"Well I'm building a meat dragon, and not just any meat would do." Replied a pleasantly smiling Russia.

"You know what, aru? Forget it. I'm not even shocked anymore." China rolled his eyes.

"Da, that's no fun." Russia complained.

"This has become the norm for you, Ivan."

"I'll have to try harder next time, da."

"Please don't, aru."

"I feel like I've been issued a challenge, da."

"IIIvvaaaaannn!"

"It's too late now! You..." Russia trailed off with confusion.

"You?" China asked, even though it really wasn't that far off from his actual name.

"I totally don't remember your name." Russia admitted.

"We've know each other for 3,000 years, aru!"

"And what an impression you've made."

"My name is Yao, aru." China said, hiding the slight hurt that Russia forgot his name.

"What?" Russia questioned.

"I said my name is Yao."

"OH." Russia said with concern tinting his violet eyes, "I thought you were a woman."

"Why would you think that?" China asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Mostly the hair, da." Russia answered, "Are you sure?"

"Of course I'm sure, aru!" China may no longer be shocked by Ivan, but he could still be irritated.

"Weeelll... If you'll excuse me I have some pictures to delete from my computer..." Russia said vaguely

The End!

**A/N (At the end this time, woo!) Oh Russia, I'm sure you're not****_ that_**** bothered by China being a man ;3 Anyways, the usual I-own-nothing stuff applies. Thanks for reading!**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Once again, I own nothing :3**

"IIIvvaaann, you've tracked mud all over the carpet, aru!"

China and Russia stood in the middle of a nice little hallway. Nice, except for big muddy foot prints.

"Now that right there is a mess, da." An unphased Soviet replied.

"I just had it cleaned yesterday, Ivan!" China complained.

"I'm not responsible for this. I've been jamming on the balalaika all morning, da." Russia stated.

"They're clearly your bootprints, Ivan." China's eyebrow twitched in agitation.

"There is an imposter on the loose!" Russia exclaimed.

"They lead directly to you!"

"Clue number one, the imposter is a phantom, da..."

"IIvvaann, stop avoiding-!"

Suddenly a massive explosion rocked through the house with a blinding flash of light, blasting away the walls and revealing the smoking, demolished city beyond.

"IIIIIvvvvvaaaaaaaaannnn..."

"Happy birthday, da!" Russia replied with a huge happy grin.

"It's not... please tell me you had nothing to do with this, aru..." China felt sick with worry.

"Why don't you blow out your candle, da?" Russia asked wide-eyed and innocent.

"You've gone too far this time, Ivan!"

"What's that? Its hard hear you over tHE SOUND OF MELTING CITY."

"How did you even do this, aru..?"

"A dollop of fairy dust."

"Ivan!"

"I ripped the tag off a mattress, da!" Russia announced dramatically.

"This isn't funny Ivan!" China screamed in horror.

"Who's laughing? Clearly not all the people that just exploded." Ivan said with his dark aura appearing around him.

"I'm leaving. I've had enough of this, aru!"

"But think of all the perfectly roasted faces we get to munch on now!"

"What?! Why!"

"Because we're friends. And friendship is two pals munching on a well-cooked face together, da." Russia 'reminded'.

"That isn't friendship, Ivan. It's sick, aru." China combated.

"Well then you're probably not gonna like your birthday decorations..." Russia said with a look sideways.

China sighed, "It's not even my... Oh my God..."

"Surprise, da!" A flock of multicolored balloons started to float by, toting forward dismembered faces.

"Ugh oh... oh no... aru..." China groaned.

"I'm sorry, I thought you liked faces! Obviously there is some miscommunication, da."

"This is... Awful, Ivan."

"You're right, it's not nearly as tasteful as I pictured it in my head." Russia agreed suddenly.

"I think I'm going to throw- Oh God one touched me..."

"This was clearly the wrong way to go, da." Russia sighed.

"You think, Ivan?!"

"What can I say? I thought they would be cooked more. Raw face is just... gross."

"That isn't the problem, Ivan, aru! Why would you think any of this was a good idea?!" China was hyperventilating by now.

"Probably because I'm a dangerous sociopath with a long history of violence, da."

"...Oh."

Russia looked just slightly annoyed. "I don't understand how you keep forgetting that.

The End!

**A/N 2**

**-IMPORTANT-**

**I have had success with this story, so I will continue my adaptations. Thank you to every single reader! But I need help deciding which one to do next. I can either do Doitsu the Unicorn (Off of Charlie the Unicorn) or Hetalian People (Off of Marshmallow People) **

**Also, go and watch all of Filmcow's videos. They're hilarious if you're like me and enjoy demented cartoons xD**


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